5 Years

April 5, 2003 my whole life was turned upside down with the news of my mother's death. Although her passing was accidental, her life never was. She was mother of three young women and a wife of nearly 30 years. She was a nurse anesthetist who went on to earn her Ph.D. even though it didn't mean any financial or career change. I really think she did it so that my father would have to call her doctor. She was tiny and spunky. A "spitfire" someone once said. Always opinionated but even more supportive, my mom told us from the time we were young that we could do or be anything and that "men are just for dessert."

I miss her more than I can say. In a lot of ways, I haven't dealt with her death. There will always be a space in my heart that no one else can fill no matter how hard they try. I wish she was at my wedding. I wish we were eagerly making plans for her to attend graduation. I wish lots of things- not only for myself but for my father, sisters, and husband.

Did I mention she was a knitter, spinner, quilter, and general crafty sort? I think that's one of the reasons I'm so into knitting. It makes me feel closer to my mom. The Christmas before she died, she knit socks for everyone in my family. (furiously knitting late into Christmas Eve) My father has size 15 feet, mine are 11's, and Brian's are 13's. That's some serious love. I have those socks in my drawer but I can't wear them. I'm scared they will get a hole and another piece of her will be gone. Someday I hope to show them to my children and grandchildren and to tell them stories about the wonderful woman who helped make me who I am.

This is a picture of my family the day my mom received her Ph.D. We're all so happy. And she's so beautiful. It was a wonderful day in Chicago about three days before Brian and I moved to California.



L to R: little sis, mom, big sis, me, and dad in back.

I miss you, mom. And I love you very much.